... the life of Bod ...

Ha-ha... some people really have no idea how to drive.

Just picked my dad up from work and was waiting to turn into my road. Someone coming the other way decided to flash his lights to let me through, well, I say flash, he basically held them on full beam - quite blinding - and didn't stop, and just kept driving forwards very slowly. As he approached, it was obvious that he was letting me through by the 'wanker' gesture he decided to make. As the temptation to reverse at full speed, pull in front of him, smash his window and thrust his eye balls through the back of his skull subsided, I realised he just must be a very, very unhappy man... perhaps his penis is just too small to please his woman. We will never know, he was probably off to find a bridge to leap from.

Rant over. :D

MORAL: When driving, be polite, and actually drive properly, don't blind people by making the wrong signal (how was I supposed to know that he was flashing intermittently, without the intermittence), even if you're not getting enough from your wife.

... I was looking for my Translations text for tomorrows exam retake and found all my old notes from past English lessons and music lessons and came to the realisation that it's all finally come to an end. I'm going to miss everyone and even all the lessons and obviously the general atmosphere. And then I just sat there for about 5 minutes not moving in total disbelief.

I obviously can't describe the feeling but I know everyone knows it. Tomorrow is going to be so weird and it still hasn't dawned on me that after seven years at this school it's finally going to finish tomorrow; best years of my life.

Well... not much to say, just had a bollocks time recently. Easter wasn't so good because my Gran got ill, then died on the day Saturday before easter. The funeral was on Thursday... which coinsided with the whole-school photo... so I missed that; but the funeral was more important I suppose. Then on Friday I went to the doctors with my amazing bleeding chest - hah. That thing bled profusely for well over 24 hours... though I won't give anymore details because it's verging on the obscenely disgusting.

So y'uh... I'm - back and slightly more attoned with my emotional side. SLIGHTLY.

Even though I was invited to Cosway's 18th tonight I'm not sure if I feel like going... I may drive over and 'grace' everyone with my presence then disappear later...

Finished the first batch of songs for this soundtrack deadline today. :D Hooray!
If anyone's interested: This is the main theme. I quite like the tune - I got rather carried away with modulating the tune and I forgot to alternate the instrumentation a lot but I think I may be able to get away with it. :) I tried to go with a filmic-y, hollywood-ish sound. I think it's pretty, plus if you have big enough speakers it can occaisionally double up as a hair dryer if you play it loud enough.

Anyway... today's has been uneventful, other than that. :) I'm meeting up with James tomorrow - we're off to find some random pub in Newton and just - sit there and look cool... if that's possible!

PHAA... can I say more? I despair of everyone. During today's 'insulting Bod-fest' Tony stuck up for me, so yaaaay... then I got annoyed, which doesn't happen often, so I felt bollocks aaaaaand... that's about my day.

Pretty sick of people trying to force me out to different places and getting pissed off with me when I don't go. It's not my fault I can't be in two places at once. I'm feeling whiney and pissed off in general. B'ah.

And now to top it all off, my great uncle has just died.

No the rowing didn't work (though I'm still keeping it up)!

I missed first period because I overslept... again, and English was ... interesting... *dies of sarcasm overload*.
The common room was distinctly lacking in anyone doing anything other than playing chess... then I got my ass kicked by Tony (twice) at chess... after that I gave up and went home. :)
It was so warm today! I wish it wasn't so cloudy and it was sunny! My car had heated up on the inside, I like it when it does that. It's the first time it has since I've owned it. :D That's a sure sign that summer is on it's brilliant way! :D

Short and sweet... and I can't believe I've managed to keep this journal updated (with a few ... half year gaps ... now and again) since 2002.

Reading through some of my old posts I sound like a completely immature and naive little person; I was I suppose!

Thinking back on that, I really need to try and find out what's going on with James (Mr. Womack) ... after he broke up with Helen recently he's seemed to disappear into the night. The 'man club' (yes; yes I'm ashamed) decided we'd go up and visit him in Bristol university. I'm really looking forward to everyone coming back in the summer! Don't get me wrong, I really like the people I'm with at the moment but there isn't enough room to stretch my integral-sadness, except around Tony of course! That's why he's my bitch... or the other way round I can't quite remember. God knows what's going to happen once school finishes. I've not been able to wake up properly for days and have now put it to the fact that I stopped rowing for a week... I'm pretty ashamed about that.

Anyway, so now I've started back up on the hour-a-night rowage, curious as to what might happen to my sleeping pattern! And with that, I'm off to bed! :)

x

[blowing-ones-own-horn]

Oh... I forgot to mention, that finally I'm getting 'Happine$$' and 'It's a Wonderful Death' on DVD. :) For those of you who don't know they're short films made by my friend in my year to which I did the scores to. Both are being shown internationally (on a very small scale, but it's great to say!) and 'Happine$$' has been previewed in the Exeter Phoenix. The soundtrack to this one was incredibly weird and involved a lot of me humming, littered with effects. 'It's a Wonderful Death' however had a pretty, orchestral soundtrack which got some incredibly rave reviews... which I was pretty chuffed about!

[/blowing-ones-own-horn]

Never again do I want to pull an all-nighter... ESPECIALLY when not drinking and with the beginnings of a chest infection.

It was Alice's 18th party on Saturday. I was going to be ready on time for once, I swear, but me and my brother started filming a tale about a gimp-bear; yes... weird. Tony arrived here at about 5:30 at which point I leapt (slowly) into the shower and lethargically got ready. We ended up leaving with enough time after getting some directions and I parked in front of Emma's as we were staying there later. We walked all the way to the restaurant and got there first time, which was pretty amazing as neither of us know Torquay at all.

After the meal we all headed out to what can only be described as an 'interesting' night out. I'd heard Venue was meant to be a calm and benign place, yet on leaving, Sam got a knife pulled on him (though watching the guy being taken down by three bouncers was fun... you'd never expect a bouncer to move faster than sound but these did.) Anyway, we got there early, when it was empty and took the place which apparently is where all the 'common room' people go (they did later.) Basically everyone got rather pissed except me, who after two drinks decided a night of constant water would be a fantastic idea, and possibly Tony who just decided we've both become incredibly boring and middle-aged individuals; joy. I saw quite a few people who I knew but didn't talk to many of them... apparently I was sitting like "I wanted to be left alone and wouldn't attract anyone" and I think Leanne actually tried to put me in a couple of 'interesting' poses but I quite enjoyed being curled up in a ball; it was so hot in there! Apparently Harriet was there though I didn't see her; I looked around after seeing people she'd probably be out with but didn't see; I didn't ignore you... I'm just blind! :D :(...

After a night of feeling thoroughly used and abused as a leaning and collapsing post (or a pole once or twice) we left at about 1am, after the people next to us had had a fight and smashed a glass over a couple of us. I just sat there and readied myself to catch them should they have come flying towards us. We left a few people in the club; me, Tony and Sam got a Taxi back with Craig (except he disappeared back home, we were dropped off at Emma's) and we walked around a desolate Torquay for ages trying to find 24 hour shops to alleviate our boredom. After the others got back and we could get into Emma's, me and Sam were chosen to head back to his (with me driving, much to my worry and shame as I felt awful... and no I don't think I was over the limit; it was only a minute or two up the road anyway by car,) and fetch some more booze. We did, and it was alright... we played spin-the-bottle (...) in which I didn't get picked (thankfully, my luck is awful with those games... the amount of guys I've had to- yeah, anyway) though I do have some very incriminating videos that I may be able to use to my advantage in an emotional black-mail situation, should I ever reach one! After that I tried to sleep but got prodded awake and such ... and didn't sleep - and got up, and then regretted eating a small sausage sandwich. Then I took Leanne and Tony (yes, stole them and drove off with them) in the car and dropped them off at their appropriate settings (a bus stop and a house)... :D ... then managed to get home at 12pm, went to bed and then woke up at 7:30. :) And now here I am, attempting to finish the same dinner I've had going cold for 4 hours and feeling quite bollocks really. I think I may go to the doctor's tomorrow as my lungs have never been good and I've always been susceptible to chest infections and think I'm developing a new one now; bollocks.

Anyway, that's all. I think that is the most 'matter-of-fact' passage of informative text I've ever written. Expect much more emotion and feeling in posts to come...

G'bye. x

Well... look at that! I'd forgotten about this until today.

So what's new? Not a lot - 18 now, driving, got a job, lost said job, and now reside doing... whatever it is I do best.
The composing is on the up... set up a small composing team (http://www.silversounds.org/) which has a couple of jobs. The RPG I'm composing for is scheduled for a public release on May the 1st, which is 2 days before May the 3rd which is when the BBC are running a 'talent' thing for composers... so I'll give that one a go. Other than that - too many people are becoming 18 at the moment; too many parties!

I haven't uploaded this for ages... but tonight is special...
I don't know if anyone reads this anymore but;

Tonight has been great:
Last night my friend 'Boltee' as many casually know him by (Jonathan Bolt)... (and if you still don't know the name then it doesn't apply :)...), anyway, he came round yesterday after my LAST EXAM *Jumps* - it was a gorgeous day, he came round, I went for my driving lesson, came back, he ... did some stuff *cough* anyway, but I stayed utterly un-touched by certain... other-wordly substances...

Anyway, at the beginning of college (My college was also my secondary school)... I took "Media Studies" and there was a German kid in my class, we made quite good mates - but he goes back to Germany on Monday, which is really a shame... plus the fact that most ... actually ALL of my friends IN SCHOOL are going to university (they're all in the year above... I've been a part of their 'group' for over 3 years now...) and so he's leaving soon... so I said we'd go out tonight, so we met at the Townhouse (rock pub), then I had a pint, then we pissed of up to a good spot and drank what he had in his back (a bottle of J.D, Rum and Jagermeister... ... well that's how you pronounce it anyway ...) then I went to Koko lounge (a rock club) whilst he stayed with Jaimie (another friend) drinking in the spot and ... well got pissed more, as you do... anyway - then Jaimie went home and I got a call, so he came to the club and I scabbed enough money for him to get in... we had a good time - it was great; ... we managed to buy a pack of fags (with all the un-Euro money that he had) and I promised I'd meet him on Sunday and we'd finish the Rum before he goes... I'm going to miss him...

I got a lift back with James (everyone did... we tried to hide Sara because the police followed for a while; they weren't after us so it was ok...) anyway... yea - good night... it's the time of year when everything is over, and everyone's leaving... it's going to be annoying but this LiveJournal is ok because I can just spout shit onto here and all's good. :) ... I also punctuate after my smilies, anyway.

Spoke to Cera ... (properlyish) since we split up in ... November (?) ... no, October I think... (ooh nostalgia, let's forget the party that ensued...), anyway, yea - so a good night all round... lots of parties, drinking and saying good-bye to ensue this summer I believe... It'll be good and upsetting at the same time :)/:( ... why am I mentioning depressing things... that's just shit, I don't even feel depressed - anyway, awesome night.

Good night. x

Well I've updated again - yay.
Now - I was really, really down today, there are two reasons I've been really down recently (apart from the excessive amount of school and musical work I've got to do), the things that have been pushing me off the edge is Cera and Kate. Kate because of last night - but apparently that wasn't her... so I'll ignore it and just ignore Chloe instead :) and Cera because she hasn't been talking to me. But I spoke to Nina tonight at townhouse (which, I might add, was an awesome night), she hasn't been talking to me because I haven't been talking to her? I cheered up a lot today because I managed to share one whole word with her, which was "whatever" when she was talking to Bruno about the Punk/Rock karaoke night at Townhouse tonight - turns out I was right all along and it's actually "Rock Karaoke" :P - but yea... she didn't talk to me for a few days - then I apolligised - then I still got no reply - so I was feeling a bit shitty, then Bruno told me to give her "a lot" of space... his words exactly. So I have... but apparently she must have spoken to Nina about the fact that we didn't talk at the train station this morning... because else Nina wouldn't have known about it. I thought everytime she walked past me in the common room and didn't talk to me I thought she was ignoring me - maybe she was... maybe she wasn't - but... I would have spoken to her at the station today - I saw her standing up and then got butterfly's in my stomach because I thought "oh god, I haven't spoken to her for ages, we won't talk much... meh" - then I walked down the stairs, and she was sitting on them then... then I just stood there waiting for the train (yes... I managed to be JUST on time for the 8:32 - you can tell just how much I can actually be bothered at the moment)... then the train came, and I thought I should talk to her but she disappeared - then Jimmy said 'Hi' after we got off - and I walked up with him, even if we didn't actually say a word... so I just hope Nina was ... right and that me and Cera have kind of been immature and she DOES actually want to speak to me (at least a bit is good). Kate; it's good that it was Chloe in stead... seeing as everything got on top of me today and during music I couldn't be fucked to be 'anywhere' and wanted to die... really. But all you have to think, when you think that is 'oh well... however much it doesn't feel like it now, things will get better'.
Went out with Ben tonight - can't remember TOO much - we met some people... ooh Woody, Joe and Nick. Mainly Woody. Met Tally and Beej. I was so drunk I spat beer in Ben's face... which he wasn't too happy about - so I let him spit it in my face - now my hair is sticky... at least Tally had a laugh. lol. Nina - told me what I've just said - and I was talking to her about Kabe... (I'm spelling it like that even if it's not meant to be). I shoud text her actually... and no, tally... it's "Nina", not .... that random name which I forgot. Friday's have suddenly become a lot more interesting - they began to become boring - but it's Fridays - Saturday I'm going to the bench again I think... then Sunday will be sober - except I might be meeting someone. I don't know - anyway....
Ben is drunk and I said he could sleep over - so I'd better make sure he's alive - and go to bed myself. I can't believe he puked in someone's drive-way when Chris (D'Agorn) dropped Tally off. Then I managed to give him directions to my house. :)

I REALLY hope James passed his test today. I was going to text him at 9... but I forgot. I'll text him tomorrow. Not long until I've finished all my lessons - hopefully I can drive then.

Good night.

Excellent... I've made two spelling mistakes... three now - and corrected them... yay! Anyway... yes I corrected them. Today was the greatest night out I've had for a long, long time - if not ever, except for the following things tonight which have been shit.

A) I think Cera had her back to me most of the day, and James was talking to her and whoever else she talks to whenever she's talking to no one else important...
However I managed to speak to Sara during break - then James after he'd finished speaking to Cera and whoever else, she's pissing me off a lot at the moment - she seems to just talk to me a bit now and again - or if she's forced. I wish we were just two people who didn't know each other at all, because then I wouldn't care or would just think of her as someone who is forced to speak to me and therefore it might end up in a friendship... but anyway - putting her aside again for a minute... other than that tonight was awesome (yes excuse the fact I'm using that word... again.)

I had a full day... or would have - but Mr. Sears had mocks so we have 5 minutes of the lesson then we could go... that was 3rd period - what happened next... oh yea - Emma actually said hey to me when we passed - that's Emma as in muscial Emma in my music class - who would be like ... THE perfect girlfriend to me I'm sure - hah - if only... speaking of girlfriends - I hate to admit it but I've never been able to get it up... properly during a relationship - when it's out of a relationship, it's fine, up, hard, ... normal fucking size... but when in a relationship I just grit my teeth and bare anything because I really don't want sex or anything... That's why my first and last relationship have been weird... the ones inbetween have been fine... but the last one especially I just was never able to get it up - don't know why... that would explain the 'lockjaw' incident, I've only mentioned this because Bruno's gone on at me so many times, I thought he deserved the truth of why I don't care about insults to that region from him... if it was from Tally I'd care because it was fine then -.- ... but she's never disgraced it even to this date... and she has done to other peoples so... hah... and... shitness of everything else... from me I mean, everything I got would have been great had I cared at the time. Sorry - I've never really been open about this stuff, I just keep it secret and pretend all is good at the time and act stupid and say to people "What? It wasn't good enough for you?" etc. - out of relationships it's been fine though.

Anyway - tonight - great stuff, 3rd free, Emma actually acknowledged me... which is good :) - next we had Richard's 4th period - I had done my essay for 5th period in lunch time - but Morath (and yes Kirsty... that's the only teacher I'd fuck) wasn't here so we had last period free... then I had the first half of music centre - James bought me and Ben vodka... then after that I had to do the year 7 and 8 disco... and yes - the best night of my life... so much booze and loads of music. I got fucked off my face... I ended up walking into music centre 2nd half and having a conversation with Mr. Bellworthy and buying Xylophones... he told me I was pissed multiple times... I'm glad he's and awesome teacher who doesn't care if I'm drunk... :P

During this time I got hit by a townie girl at some point - can't remember quite when... 10 times I think... yay - she apollogised though. I also started speaking to all of Ben's friends - the people I've been a 'person' too since year 11... and Abi's in my music class - at least I spoke to her for the first time tonight - albeit drunk, and... I realised Joss... actually lives in Denbury and passes my house every morning - so that's someone to get a lift with instead of catching the train. But it's about time I started to meet a different and new group of people who don't use me - it should be good I'm sure.

Anyway - all in all, tonight was great!

P.S: And hah... I lost 50p today through gambling with Pascoe and Blighty...
Still... the amount of people who spoke to me who actually give a shit who I am was unbelievable - give it a week or two... but still - for the moment it's cool...

Out of the year 13 people - it's only Bruno who speaks to me outside of school, and James who gives a damn how I am... and Nina's the only one who rings me when she's out and askes me if I'm coming out... I still owe her a talk - which I haven't done today because I had to go to something.

Well tonight sucked and rocked in a lot of ways... sucked because I got a rather short and 'informative' text from Cera saying she didn't need a place to stay, and James and Helen aren't staying either, even though had I known this without a five minute warning (actually AFTER I'd gone out) I wouldn't have gone out, because I didn't want to walk home on my own. Turns out James and Helen were nice enough to walk up to the main road with me though, which I appreciate very, very much and I owe them a lot for that, because it possibly spoiled their evening aswell as mine.

Anyway, now what sucks is that - I'm slightly drunk now, not enough people were out and I'm becoming extremely bored with the friends I have at the moment. They're all the same - and because it's that time of year I need to meet new people... anyway - I'm bored now - and I'm kind of upset that plans haven't stuck to themselves and that I went out (without being able to get home) when I didn't need too... however I still can't say thank you to James and Helen enough for walking with me.

How cool does it feel to feel appreciated? :)
I've been in a very creative mood today, not only have I composed a rock piece, of which I intend to sing the lyrics tomorrow whilst... mildly drunk, I started a piece for the site Edgy's working on - and I've recieved so much praise - it makes me feel so gooooood *dances... then becomes modest again* - anywho... *end Modest* - Jimmy was surprised with what I've done and told me I was 'fucking awesome' - then Edgy's dad said the piece I wrote was amazing... something like that anyway - anyway, I'm blowing my own horn too much here, but it makes a change from the usual depressive shit. :P

How wasted do I want to be...
Hah, inbetween period 4 & 5 today Bolton gave me his sandwich. Sounds normal - well he forgot he had something in it, something which I can't take very well usually... and I ate the sandwich - but there wasn't that much so I felt ... uhh - fuck all (ish) then I drank at music centre - because I brought my own (as you do at fireworks night), then didn't go to the second half and went straight to the fireworks. Didn't see Emma and Johan (but did at music centre), but saw Sara at the entereance and she kneed me in the balls as she leapt on me. But I was around with all my friends in my year and below - which I haven't been in a while - and it wasn't long before it all got confusing - but I wasted - then went into town - Bruno found me before we left - and me, him, Kym and Jenny walked into town (behind Tally and Pete and Abi) - but I forget most of the conversation - I was going to go to Townhouse with him but in the end I didn't go and went home instead because it was already 10:30 when we got to town - and I'd already been in McDonalds talking to Bolton whilst he was working :P ... and I can't believe I asked Pearcey for a kiss... eugh - I really was drunk - but why the fuck do I remember it. We settled for a hug which I'm happy about. :) ... and YAY! I saw Del! I haven't seen her for sooooo long! Awwww... she's so sweet! ^_^ Her and Jenny do make a really cute couple - and there, hah Bruno, I do know more lesbian/gay/bi-sexual people that I do straight people. I'm going to stop now - because the night was utterly awesome (... yes... that word. Sorry) but I've forgotten some of it and ah. Oh well - to ... do something I go.

I know this sounds sad and attention seeking... and I'll say now it's not because of anything anyone's done or said - but I really can't feel the will to live recently... it's the same thing from day to day - ... I really need a hug right now - or something to take my mind off it. I just want to curl up and die (peacefully) and away from anyone's harm.

She seems to always treat me as someone inferior... she wanted to stay friends but she's doing the best job... except last night when it was all really cool and we spoke lots - and then we went for a walk and ended up having a 'talk' and she said things I actually wasn't expecting, such as getting back together. I'd already accepted that I was single by then - ... anyway - the minute she mentioned that it was obvious she must have been completely wasted - and she was, as she can't remember any of it. Then she went in and started speaking to Bruno so I thought "Oh great, she obviously regrets everything now." - and then after she'd gone to bed I spoke to Bruno and apparently she said it because ... actually I forget ... because I seemed like I didn't want to break up or some shit like that. I'm sick and I'm tired of being messed around. Im some ways I hope she somewhere deep down, meant what she said last night whilst completely fucked off her head, because I was stupid enough to believe her until we went inside. As I said to Kim sometime after that: "If she was going to 'talk' to me and tell me it was properly over I could have just accepted it and tried to be as good a friend as possible... but she's told me THIS now, and if she suddenly decides she doesn't want that anymore then I'm going to go through the whole break up process again..." - anyway - this isn't a bitch by the way... I'm just upset. I'm not sure if it's worth trying to talk to her online anymore because we never have a civil conversation - although I do understand she must be in quite a lot of pain with the cramp thing... anyway ... I'll try and bring it up sometime soon because I'd really like to know EXACTLY what she feels if anything - whilst sober.

Best fucking night at Townhouse I've had in a very good few months. Although I did text Cera something - expecting her phone wouldn't wake her up, although being drunk and fueled by Sara saying so - forgot to check what time it is over there. Got a rather angry text back but - you know - these things happen *yawn*. Not that I care so much anymore - th... oh fuck - I'm meant to ring Kate. I'll text her instead - I bet she's asleep by now - awwww. Oh dear - I hear Bruno's bringing someone with him tomorrow - but I can't have anymore people so I have to speak to him about it tomorrow. But otherwise everyone's coming and therefor it should be good. Gav's bringing round San Andreas. We said we'd be playing it or something in townhouse - then Sara said her and Helen would be having a lesbian orgy... I think the return was "... ok whatever... but San Andreas is sooooo cool beacuse..." etc. - Boys and their toys eh? Anyway - we just dropped James off at his, then dropped Sara and Gav off at the station. And by the way - I don't care how angry Cera is with me tomorrow, I have to no cause to complain - I have no reason to shout or anything - I'm just going to be the same happy Bod that I've been for the last week. I don't know what's happened to me really... I think the reason I lost my sex drive completely and ... couldn't keep it up (that was meant to stay hush... but never mind) is because I haven't been properly single since before Tally. I've ALWAYS had (after a break up) someone else to go to, or someone else who comes to me... and I think I'm a bit drained somehow - I just want some time on my own being single... that's after Kate that is, if there is a Kate. And if there is an after hmm? Ah good - the water's beginning to sober me up. Anyway - I repeat, fucking awesome time tonight. Sara, Gav, James, Helen, Chrise (I... don't know how to spell the name :( ...) and Ben. :) I'm glad my yr.12 friends have sort of just accepted me again - even after the long abscence. Anyway - me and Ben talked a lot - it was a really fun evening actually... best night out for months. Shame Kim wasn't there... but I'll see her tomorrow anyway! :)
Anyway - good night, I'm off to do something else drunk - I'm surprised I spelt all of this right (I hope) considering I'm drunk AND touch typing... well go me... I say.

--------- UPDATE

And yet Kate was rather good on the phone - although she did say she's going to ignore me from now on, just because I had to go. I hope so was joking but I just can't tell with her.